WHAT A CHILD NEEDS IN A DAD

Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old. Buy truth, and do not sell it; buy wisdom, instruction, and understanding. The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice; he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him. Let your father and mother be glad; let her who bore you rejoice. My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways. (Proverbs 23:22–26 ESV)

On Father’s Day, attention is normally given to the dad. The family is one of the greatest rewards a man can have, yet the child-raising years go by very quickly. In fact, life goes by quickly.

I once read, “Theoreticians estimate that the average person accomplishes only 10 percent of his or her promise. They hear and see only 10 percent of the music and poetry in the universe. They smell only a tenth of the world’s fragrance and tastes only a tenth of the deliciousness of being alive. They are only 10 percent open to their emotions – to tenderness, to wonder and awe. Their mind embraces only a small part of the thoughts, reflections, and understanding of which they are capable. Their heart is only 10 percent alive with love. They will die without ever having really lived and really loved. To me, this is the most frightening of all possibilities. I would really hate to think that you or I might die without having really lived and really loved.”

The family is one of those things that give us a sense of life and love.

Mary, a teenage girl, wrote: “A father is someone who spends time with you and takes you on vacation and talks to you about the world and life in general. A father is someone who has fun with you. A father is loyal. A father is honest. A father is trustworthy. A father is a leader. A father is someone who goes through a lot of pain and sorrow, but he is still a father. A father is not someone who runs away from life. He is there to cope and work things out. A father is not a coward. A father is love.”

Being a dad is not easy. A question worth considering is, in all the complexities of fathering, what are the essentials? What does a child need most from a dad? May I suggest these three essentials.

The essential of time

People occasionally attempt to make a distinction between “quality time” and “quantity time”, a modern-day myth. A pop-culture teaching that came out of the ’70s claimed parents could give their kids moments here and there as long as it was “quality time.” The reality, however, reveals that children do not know the difference between time and quality time. Kids do not make such divisions; they simply value the time they have with their parents. Life is time-consuming and time is the very crucible of fathering. There is no substitute for the wonder of time.

In metropolitan areas, families often live great distances from their employment to buy a new or newer home. Yet to have what is promoted as a new and less costly home requires more travel time to work. Instead of being apart 8 ½ to 9 hours a day, the family is now separated 11 to 12 hours a day. No house is worth large amounts of time away from each other, especially when it comes to having evening meals together.

One study showed there is more happening at family mealtimes than just eating. High School students who interact with their families at dinner are more likely to spend time studying, be employed part-time, and participate in athletics.

Paul Krouse, publisher of Who’s Who Among American High School Students wrote, “A family that eats dinner together is doing a lot more than eating.” Surveys show: 1) Students who never eat dinner together with their families are three times less likely to have a happy and close home life than those who regularly eat dinner with family; 2) High School students who rarely or never eat dinner together with their families are almost four times as likely to have engaged in sex (67%) than those who regularly eat dinner as a family (17%).

How does your use of time match up with your values and priorities? Do this little reflection sometime soon: On the left-side of a page write down all your priorities; on the right-side list your usage of time. If you are an average person, the left side and the right side are in opposite proportion. What most people say they value the most is usually what they commit the least time to.

In a classic book called, When I Relax, I Feel Guilty the author claims that by the age of thirty-five we have only five hundred days left to live. If you live until age seventy, in the next thirty-five years you will have to spend a great deal of time sleeping, working, eating, and traveling. You will also have to tend to personal matters, such as hygiene, and maintaining good health. There will be the odd chores and the myriad of miscellaneous time-stealers that often come in the form of emergencies. After taking care of all the “necessary” things, you will have roughly the equivalent of five hundred days to spend as you wish. In this context, you are a father for a truly short time.

Take time to stop, look, and listen. Stop means time to be a dad. To just hug and hold your family.  Stop to realize what a wonderful mess your home is. Look means to be available, to be close to your kids. See them for who they are amid their dreams, hopes, and frustrations. Listen means to close the gap. The word communication comes from the Latin word “communus” whose root meaning is “having something in common” – common ground, or closing the gap, is found by listening.

Communications Consultants Associated states we spend 80 percent of our waking hours trying to communicate with one another. About 45 percent of communicating time is spent listening.

Schools teach how to write, which we use only 9 percent of the time; how to read, which we use only 10 percent of the time; how to speak, which we use 30 percent of the time. Yet rarely are people taught to be good listeners, something we do 45 percent of the time.

Children want attention more than anything else. This is one reason why many go through various antics; they are trying to get you to stop, look, and listen. Time is an essential part of being a dad.

The essential of consistency

Consistency is sometimes described as “perseverance that is in balance.” We persevere at something we love to do. We persevere at something we deeply care about. In the long run, a dad is someone who hangs in there despite the setbacks.

The key to being consistent is by recognizing the faithfulness of God in your life. No matter how poorly you may think you are as a parent, nobody can do a better job of being you than you can. When you live out your life with faith in God, instead of trying to live out what others expect from you, you will be consistent.

Becoming consistent involves four things: Live for Jesus – Scriptures disclose that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever; you will be consistent when you reflect His image. Pray without ceasing – be in constant communication with the never-changing God. Be led by the Holy Spirit – He is the Helper; daily dependence upon Him brings consistency. Forget yourself – be more concerned about the will of God than your reputation; be more concerned about your family than your prominence.

Consistency is a balanced kind of perseverance. It is a blend of courage and patience in your home. Consistency is being a one-of-a-kind father – it is being real and the best father you can be.

The essential of enthusiasm

Enthusiasm can be elusive. Teenagers, especially in the summer, often say, “I’m bored.” Boredom and apathy have become communicable diseases in society. Dads counter these ills in their children by fathering with enthusiasm.

There is a way for a dad to know if he is ailing from these diseases of boredom and apathy, called, “The Handy-Dandy Excuse List for Dads”. Think about your regular, everyday challenges, responsibilities, and involvements. As you think, check one of the six responses that seem appropriate to fathering: (1) Don’t have time. (2) Don’t have time. (3) Don’t have time. (4) Never trained to do it. (5) Don’t know what to do. (6) I don’t care.

“Don’t have time” was repeated three times because that is the most common excuse given for failing to do what should be done. The truth is that we all do what we really want to do. If we want to make time for something, we can and will.

The most dangerous excuse on the list is the last one, “I don’t care.” If you check “I don’t care” the game is over. Once enthusiasm dissolves, everything else begins to erode and slip away. Indifference stifles all family relationships and boredom soon abounds. If boredom and apathy are setting in, you need to heed the call given to the church at Ephesus: “Repent and go back to what you did at first.” (Revelation 2:5)

Enthusiasm comes from the Greek root “entheos” meaning “God dwells within us.” Real enthusiasm occurs when we have God in us through His Son Jesus. An enthusiastic father is contagious to the whole family.

Final thought

Fathers are not called to always be in complete control of life situations; dads are called to act, to love, and to suffer when necessary. The stakes are high, the wounds can be deep and painful, but the prize is worth it. Elbert Hubbard stated it well: “In the end, God will not look you over for medals, degrees, or diplomas but scars.”

The San Francisco Chronicle had an article entitled, “Businessmen say life’s ‘empty.’” A study of 4,126 male business executives reveals widespread dissatisfaction with the corporate experience. Forty-eight percent of all middle-managers said that despite years spent striving to achieve their professional goals, their lives seemed “empty and meaningless.” Sixty-eight percent of senior-executives said that they had neglected their family lives to pursue professional goals and half said they would spend less time working and more time with their wives and children if they could start over again. The question that men are asking today is: What am I doing all this for? Before, the payoff was security and long-term employment. But corporations do not return loyalty as they used to, and men today are saying they do not see the investment as being worth it.

Dads, are time, consistency, and enthusiasm a part of your parenting? They are the things a child needs in you. These essentials help prevent you from developing an empty feeling as you journey through life.